What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
