A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
