There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
