I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
