Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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