Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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