You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
