Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I forget how to act sober
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
