apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
this hospital has no fireball
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
