No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
