I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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