i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
