I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
