i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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