Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
where am i from again
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
