HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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