my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
