I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
