I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
