One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
