the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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