My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
