meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
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chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
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How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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