So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
