we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
