Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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