I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Is Oprah even human
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
