just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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