wanna go halves on a baby?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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