I faked an abortion last night.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
