My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
