the condom got lost in my hair
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
