woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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