He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
