he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
