I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
