So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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