Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Let's paint friendship bongs
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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