her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
