did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
