Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Mom said you looked used
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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