You're my little dorito
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
