if you like me you must not know who I am
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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