I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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