woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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