I CAN MOONWALK!
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
