The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
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She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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