He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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