you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
