LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
