his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
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I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
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You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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