Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
