My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
