EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
