yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
