my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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