Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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