If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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