my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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